I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.