I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
LOL!
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Stonehinge
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.