9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*3.5 thank you very much.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints