When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.