Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Grandmother clock.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If you love someone, let them sleep.