Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Life is a suicide mission.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
This is my emotional support knife.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.