God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You Might Also Like
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.