Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.