Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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one last job
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday