Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
⛄️
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“i am a sweet baby”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore