I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.