Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The “baby” on the left….
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*