Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?