if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Aight bet
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.