[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me when i see my girls butt
sry
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.