Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I have so many questions.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.