Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
You Might Also Like
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
This took me a second..
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.