CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Pretty much. 🤣
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self