Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.