{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.