*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no