I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.