Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT