*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
You Might Also Like
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.