even bears disappoint their mothers
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Bill is short for Billiam
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*