me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Happy Friday
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.