me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
*jazz hands*
Ha.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords