The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me