dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…