This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.