Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
sensitive skin
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
technically true but not a great slogan
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.