Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?