[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.