“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
💯😂
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.