Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed