How to make infinite energy.
You Might Also Like
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is