Solving a traffic jam
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO