Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Spring of Deception
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this