Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.