How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia