Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
You Might Also Like
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.