me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.