Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰