December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
mentally somewhere in italy
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
PER MY LAST EMAIL
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.