Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Bike for sale
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Goodnight 🐶
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.