space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
You Might Also Like
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
this is the greatest thing ever
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.