I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.