[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?