[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race