Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Brb my Sims are getting married
oh u like history? name everything that happened
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!